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August 17, 2006

Back To School

Hard to believe but some kids are heading back to school next week. In honor of that, I'm reprinting a post of mine from a couple years ago...

Attention all school personnel --

In an effort to insure a proper, nurturing environment for all our students, the following rules will be implemented immediately:

1) No mention of Christmas or Hanukkah will be permitted. Children who are not celebrating these holidays at home might be made to feel uncomfortable or even offended or left-out and we can't have that!

In addition, from now on, Christmas Day will simply be referred to as "that Federal Holiday" or "Holiday". Furthermore, since some children might feel depressed during the "Holiday", please refrain from wishing any of them a "Happy" Holiday as this would make them feel even sadder or more uncomfortable. From now on, just tell them to "have a holiday".

2) History Teachers will hereafter not mention any religion or the fact that the founders of America were or held any feelings of religiosity as this could be offensive to students who are athiests, or at least make them feel uncomfortable. Documents such as the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution will not be taught as they mention "God" and blur the seperation of church and state.

3) All teachers will no longer grade childrens' assignments as this could cause low self-esteem. All tests, homework, classroom essays will be returned to the student marked, "Fabulous!".

4) As many children often have favorite numbers and we don't want them to feel ashamed of this, all math teachers will now instruct their pupils that all numbers are equal in value. From now on,
1 = 2 = 3 = 4 = 5 = 6 = 7 = 8 = 9 and etc. Mathematical problems on exams will allow as correct such answers as 2 + 2 = (any number the student writes in). Again, there are no wrong answers to problems as this could make the student feel uncomfortable or lower their self-esteem. Just mark all tests as "Fabulous!".

5) Lunchroom personnel will no longer serve meat or fish products in the cafeteria as some children are vegetarians and could elsewise suffer offense at seeing their classmates consume such items. Furthermore, since some pupils might have crooked teeth, all food served will henceforth be pureed and served with straws so that the child can simply suck his/her lunch without exposing their teeth.

6) Not all students have good handwriting and this could cause them to have low self-esteem if it is pointed out to them. From now on, student papers no longer have to be legible or even written using the letters from the alphabet. Assignments and tests written or answered using symbols or pictures will now be acceptable. Just mark them "Fabulous!".

7) Since some pupils are not good at athletics, all gym classes will now consist of a large ball placed in the middle of the field or gymnasium. Each pupil will then slowly walk (so as not to harm themselves) over and touch the ball with any part of their body. As each student does this, he will be declared "a winner" by the teacher and all the other students will shout, "Fabulous!".

8) Music students will no longer be required to read sheet music or to play in tune or even the same song as other students. Any noises issuing from their instruments will be considered beautiful and "Fabulous!"

9) In keeping with that theme, many children have difficulty expressing themselves in a classroom setting. Not all of them speak English or any other known language or in complete sentences. In the future, pupils may answer questions or oral exams with simple grunts and other sounds. This will be considered "Fabulous!".

10) As many children consider themselves to be the center of the universe and informing them elsewise could lower their self-esteem or offend them, science teachers will no longer teach astronomy.

In conclusion, I believe that by adopting these steps, as well as others soon to come, we can create an environment where our students feel wholeness and happiness throughout the day. Faculty members are invited to suggest their own improvements to our curriculum.

Posted by Jeff Soyer at August 17, 2006 08:17 AM
Comments

Great post. That's one reason my oldest son and his wife in Alaska are home schooling their two kids. It seems that all they were learning was how to swear and fight on the school bus. Now they are learning reading, writing, arithmetic, how to change a tire on a 4 wheeler, how to gut a moose, how to shoot and clean spruce chickens, and survival tactics in general. They will always be able to take care of themselves. The state mandates that they are tested periodically, and it seems that they are leaving the kids who are in school in the dust! The parents are real Americans who love this country and the kids will be the same. Jack.

Posted by: Jack Lorenz at August 17, 2006 08:36 AM

I agree, great post. (And I homeschool, too.)

I would add a couple of things.

RE: #1, I object to the use of the word "holiday" due to the religious connotations. Instead, teachers should use the phrase "winter break" or "winter closing."

RE: #3, I have heard that red ink can also hurt a child's self-esteem. I suggest that teachers use only purple ink when writing "Fabulous" on student work.

Posted by: charity at August 17, 2006 09:08 AM

Just so you'll know, my daughter's high school in Tennessee started school last week. Yup, on the 7th, believe it or not.

Posted by: Boyd at August 17, 2006 10:32 AM

Number 5. You forgot that students having [evil]peanut butter[/evil] or any other peanut product will eat in a separate room just in case...

P.

Posted by: Peet at August 17, 2006 03:07 PM

Jeff, I agree with the sentiment on what is going on in the schools, and most of it is accurate, BUT:

point 1: agreed, the reaction to religion is very overboard in many schools, especially the refusal to call holidays by their correct names. but contrast that to:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=173&topic_id=1263&mesg_id=1510

Being driven out of your school, community and state for refusing to pray at a school function is the other side of the coin, and why the First A. is there, and why forced prayer and preaching religion is supposed to be forbidden when done by government employees, which include teachers. This is also why forced public education, with no alternative for dissenters, is wrong, if not criminal. At the very least those that choose private or home school alternatives should get a tax break on school taxes. That would be in line with the First A., IMHO.

point 2: neither doc mentions god in the christian sense.
declaration mentions "Laws of Nature and of Nature's God", specifically worded to be acceptable to all the various religous sentiments present, from devout christians, like Adams, to free-tinking deists, like Jefferson and Franklin.

constitution mentions god nowhere in the text, unless you count the common usage of 'year of our lord' in the date, which is similar to using 'dear' to preface letters.

Yes, the refusal to teach these documents as they were written is absurd, for any reason. Whether it is the liberal canard that the Second A. is for the state governments or the dominionist canard the freedom OF religion does not include freedom FROM religion. both are mendacious lies on their face.

Check it out yourself:
http://www.archives.gov/national-archives-experience/charters/charters.html

Signed, Tom 'doing my part piss off the right, left, and the other' Wright

Posted by: tomWright at August 17, 2006 08:52 PM

Fabulous!

Posted by: Steve Skubinna at August 18, 2006 10:26 PM

I agree with Tom - the First Amendment not only provides for the freedom *of* religion, it also provides for freedom *from* religion, especially that imposed by the State.

While "comparative religion" is an acceptable course for instruction, the "celebrating" of any religious holiday, be it "Christmas", or "Hannukah", or "Ramadan", or "Beltane", should be forbidden.

The State must be "religion neutral"; since it cannot successfuly lend support to *all* religions equally, it must not give even tacit support to some, or one, but not others.

This is why every reference to G_d in any public building, pledge, oath, anthem or coinage must be removed. Either everybody's rights are respected and upheld equally, or there is no equality, or freedom.

And I'm the furthest thing from a Lieberal you could find - I'm a libertarian, and an egalitarian.

Posted by: Nimrod45 at August 19, 2006 07:20 PM

You're kidding right? I mean, you think the constitution means freedom from religion? Really? I mean honestly you think that? I don't think our government recognizing a religion means it is "establishing" a government religion. It's really great the way people pick and choose their constitutional rights. I will grant you that Freedom "From" relgion is implied, but only within the context that nobody can make you join a relgion. I don't think it gives you the right to take God out of everything having to do with government.

In regards to using "in the year of our Lord" as a term much like Dear. Where did you come up with this? Anti-religion school? I mean you guys still go to that, right?

As for the state remaining neutral, again, you are twisted people. Neutral: not aligned with or supporting any side or position in a controversy: The arbitrator was absolutely neutral. As soon as you say I can't put up a Xmas tree you are no longer neutral. I think ANY religion that wants, can put up symbols of their religion during their holy days. Saying no to any religion is against the constitution in my opinion.

Last but not least, the furthest thing from a Liberal is not a Libertarian. As a matter of fact, you need to go back to school Nimrod45 because the views you express are not the views of any Libertarians I know. Better you should say you are a Green party member.

Posted by: Chuck at August 25, 2006 05:01 PM
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