Alphecca

Memo From the School Superintendent

Attention all school personnel --

In an effort to insure a proper, nurturing environment for all our students, the following rules will be implemented immediately:

1) No mention of Christmas or Hanukkah will be permitted. Children who are not celebrating these holidays at home might be made to feel uncomfortable or even offended or left-out and we can't have that!

In addition, from now on, Christmas Day will simply be referred to as "that Federal Holiday" or "Holiday". Furthermore, since some children might feel depressed during the "Holiday", please refrain from wishing any of them a "Happy" Holiday as this would make them feel even sadder or more uncomfortable. From now on, just tell them to "have a holiday".

2) History Teachers will hereafter not mention any religion or the fact that the founders of America were or held any feelings of religiosity as this could be offensive to students who are athiests, or at least make them feel uncomfortable. Documents such as the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution will not be taught as they mention "God" and blur the seperation of church and state.

3) All teachers will no longer grade childrens' assignments as this could cause low self-esteem. All tests, homework, classroom essays will be returned to the student marked, "Fabulous!".

4) As many children often have favorite numbers and we don't want them to feel ashamed of this, all math teachers will now instruct their pupils that all numbers are equal in value. From now on,
1 = 2 = 3 = 4 = 5 = 6 = 7 = 8 = 9 and etc. Mathematical problems on exams will allow as correct such answers as 2 + 2 = (any number the student writes in). Again, there are no wrong answers to problems as this could make the student feel uncomfortable or lower their self-esteem. Just mark all tests as "Fabulous!".

5) Lunchroom personnel will no longer serve meat or fish products in the cafeteria as some children are vegetarians and could elsewise suffer offense at seeing their classmates consume such items. Furthermore, since some pupils might have crooked teeth, all food served will henceforth be pureed and served with straws so that the child can simply suck his/her lunch without exposing their teeth.

6) Not all students have good handwriting and this could cause them to have low self-esteem if it is pointed out to them. From now on, student papers no longer have to be legible or even written using the letters from the alphabet. Assignments and tests written or answered using symbols or pictures will now be acceptable. Just mark them "Fabulous!".

7) Since some pupils are not good at athletics, all gym classes will now consist of a large ball placed in the middle of the field or gymnasium. Each pupil will then slowly walk (so as not to harm themselves) over and touch the ball with any part of their body. As each student does this, he will be declared "a winner" by the teacher and all the other students will shout, "Fabulous!".

8) Music students will no longer be required to read sheet music or to play in tune or even the same song as other students. Any noises issuing from their instruments will be considered beautiful and "Fabulous!"

9) In keeping with that theme, many children have difficulty expressing themselves in a classroom setting. Not all of them speak English or any other known language or in complete sentences. In the future, pupils may answer questions or oral exams with simple grunts and other sounds. This will be considered "Fabulous!".

10) As many children consider themselves to be the center of the universe and informing them elsewise could lower their self-esteem or offend them, science teachers will no longer teach astronomy.

In conclusion, I believe that by adopting these steps, as well as others soon to come, we can create an environment where our students feel wholeness and happiness throughout the day. Faculty members are invited to suggest their own improvements to our curriculum.